I find myself in quite a conundrum lately, especially since my little brother and Dad left. I feel lonely living alone and yet at the same time when people are around me, I crave being alone, so in turn I guess nothing seems to make me happy.
I have a month of holidays, which I hope I don't waste but with my procrastinating habits, I am sure to unless I set goals for myself everyday. I also stopped writing in my daily journal after an entire year and a half of continuous writing everyday. It felt bland and boring and alas, another notebook gone to waste.
I keep getting this overwhelming feeling of sadness mixed with anxiety when I think of the things I have yet to do. It still hasn't dawned on me that I am 19. Hell, it hasn't dawned on me that I was 18 either. I still have the mindset of an irresponsible 16 year old and that drives me insane. I feel like I wasted a large portion of my teenage years fighting an eating disorder, then anxiety, then depression, then heartbreak (Not particularly in that order of course) Then when i think of the fun times I had over the years, I can count each instance with just one hand and that makes me incredibly sad. I feel like I am pressured to have fun and to go out but the thing is, going out bores me and I don't get excited by anything. I am not an easy person to excite, but then again I am not an easy person to be friends with either. It's not that I don't get invited to go out to clubs or bars, it's just, it bores me. I have an eye for detail and most people at clubs don't even look like they're enjoying themselves or they are too drunk to realise where they are. That being said, a great deal to do with introversion bores me either. I find reading boring. Books bore me, I haven't properly read a book since Harry Potter because I was engrossed in it and I have yet to find a book that makes me feel the way I did when I was reading Harry Potter. The problem with me is that I am not an excitable person. There are only few things that make my heart race and keep me happy and one of those things is the thought of seeing Johann.
Suddenly, sadness has wrapped around my heart for no reason in particular. I have had a good few days. I also have dealt with my past in a way that I am open about it and it no longer in any instance controls me; I control it but "it" is non existent.
I also never want to regret any decisions i'm making currently but I also want to remember them and what better way to remember who I am now than to put it up on the internet for the whole world, including my future self to see? I mean sure, some of the things I do might not make my family happy but i'm a good kid for the most part, so they can take me as I am or not be in my life anymore.
This comes to another thing I am completely okay with, letting go of people, especially family and even friends. I know people are not perfect but I have such high expectations of people so if they even anger me or slightly frustrate me, I cut off all ties with them and I can do so in a heartbeat without looking back. I have countless people I have done that to and I do so without even telling them. One minute they think we still are friends, the next, I have removed them from my life and ignore them either online or in real life. I have never found happiness in maintaining friendships, in a short time period, it's fun but in the long run, it does more harm than good. I am not a good friend to people and I know that and it baffles me that people still want to become my friend. I don't think it's me pushing people away, it's more to the sense that I see people as disposable, and I want them to see me as disposable as well so we both have used each other and then move on. It's never the case so unfortunately because the second any one ever sees me as someone who's not disposable, there are certain attachments and I don't care much for attachments. Exceptions are made in the whole how I view friends department because of my best friend though. What i'm trying to say is I don't want anymore friends than I have already. I love my best friend and handful of friends I have. Acquaintances are good, friends, never worked out for me.
I was smoking pot with Johann yesterday while sitting on his lap and I felt a rush of feelings towards him, as I always do. I am tearing up right now thinking about him because of how much he overwhelms me. It's tears of happiness though. I never thought I would be able to feel so much towards someone who isn't related to me. I felt a rush of love for my little brother when he was born, and the day I held him in my arms but to think that I would have feelings as deep and as overwhelming about someone who at one point was practically a stranger to me is just incomprehensible and yet, here I am. I talk about Johann a lot, and I think about him. I want happiness for him in every way possible and when I think about him now, i don't think about the hurt he has at one point in time caused me, I think about how happy he makes me and how hard he tries everyday to make me happy. I learnt what forgiveness was from him and now I understand what it means to truly forgive someone. I am not a passionate person, nor am I an excitable person but when I talk, or even think about Johann, I get excited and passionate and so many feelings rush towards me. It's been almost 5 years and I still feel as excited as when I was 14 and poking my head out of the window in school to watch him play sports outside without him knowing. I can write about him, talk about him but I can never get enough of him.
Johann of course knows how I feel about him so if he, or I were to die right this second, we would not have regretted anything.
I am a huge believer in not having regrets when it comes to certain things. I always think about how I would feel if someone I love died and I didn't tell them what I had wanted to say to them. That's also one reason why I never go to bed angry with anyone, because what if they, or I, did not wake up in the morning? However, I always have one exception when it comes to the talking my mind thing and that's with my dad. We used to be close but then things got rocky along the way but we are relatively good now, which is great but I can never say I love you or anything even remotely emotional even though I do love him, he is my dad after all and he is a good man but it's just something I can never do and if I die today, honestly it's the one thing I will regret.
Alas, this has been a long post, I will probably be more active on here from now on, maybe with more writing. I feel like weight has been lifted off my chest and I can breathe properly. Writing, it's been a while.
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